Soul conversations are essential. It is like taking an inventory of life and for life. Sometimes life pushes you towards finding time and space to form this connection.
I have done this every December after that December, I lost my grandfather. For me, it was an abrupt end to an innocent chapter in the book of my life. My grandfather had never let me feel the void of losing my father at a very young age.
I spent my childhood with my maternal grandparents. My mom, a doctor had long working hours and my grandparents provided all love and care. So grandfather’s death was a traumatic turning point. Lonely, scared and confused, I carried the heavy pressure of becoming matured and responsible almost overnight.
I clearly remember that December evening, ten days after his death. I had gone to a friend’s house to get some note books to complete missed school assignments. It was cold as the sun had covered itself. Gloom in my heart transpired on the sky. Walking home, I decided to take a longer route.
The icy wind was untying my silk scarf. Black dark clouds threatened to break any time. However, oblivious of everything, I continued walking slowly at an unhurried pace to let my thought process go on and brisk enough as not to look odd. It wasn’t easy because in the small city where we lived it would be strange to see a young girl on the road not trying to walk quickly towards shelter before the rains.
I know there must have been many eyes watching and prying through windows and doors as people are curious to know more about you during difficult times.
However, walking my pace that day I discovered my ‘pace’ for life. I learnt a great lesson that evening. It’s your journey after all. Many will come, and many would go as you walk your way. You can help people, listen to their unspoken pain, comfort them, get help, smile and laugh with, but at the end of the day you are alone. The soul’s journey is selfish. And there is nothing wrong or right here.
We experience on the physical level which transformed on a spiritual level. All these lessons are required. The highs and lows of life are just easy or difficult lessons. At times, we are stuck in a place, perhaps we need to understand or relearn some important issues.
Yet this journey of the soul is very elegant. From the unknown sphere, a soul enters the physical, to study in this school of life. In the cacophony of everyday life, we tend to forget our soul and its mission. Solitude initiates soul conversations to connect with the higher purpose.
We encounter many fellow travellers who contribute in their own way. Sometimes we discover another traveller who seems very familiar and friendship blossoms. Strangely, it’s an ancient recognition of the soul which has a purpose. It transforms both the souls. Even if the paths deviate from that point, both have changed at the core.
Many reasons and countless excuses can be found to go away. All this is part of that predestined master plan. Just like a wild flower which blooms in isolation with sudden showers and later in a day is withered with its petals falling and flying away. Soon it will be dust and mingle with earth. Same happens with relationships.
Life continues ‘with’ and ‘without’ all the time. So death or parting it is just very well. To accept and live in all glory needs endurance.
That winter night helped me discover this strength of vulnerability. Sitting at the study table amidst all the books I started writing in my diary.
The table lamp was the only object illuminating the darkness of the room. Shadows appeared huge on the white wall. Cold wind entered the room from the window that I had purposely left open. The night slept peacefully outside. Inside it was a shouting silence.
I started writing with bold strokes balancing my thoughts on the string of tears. I wrote about all years I could remember from my early childhood. People, incidents, events and moments all danced like fluorescent butterflies on an ebony background.
I thought of those who had made this walk difficult, others who helped silently. I remembered a fellow traveller on a train who had made a deep impact.
I ‘lived’ those poignant moments in my life and then just let them go. Free, I was and they were from me. With a heavy heart, I had opened that diary but with a lighter heart, I closed it. As I put the pen down I realised that unknowingly I had used my grandfather’s pen to write. He was still with me! I learnt a wonderful lesson that moment. You do not need to have the physical form to love. Love transcends all barriers of time and space. Just because we cannot see people with our physical eyes does not mean they don’t exist. There is more to life than what is obvious.
This is a ritual I follow every December. Every year brings new understanding and adds meaning to my journey. I am amazed to see people walking in and out of my life.
Sometimes track changes are required in certain areas and may not be easy. However, once done it is done. Sometimes it is necessary to remove the cities, places and people from your map in your life’s atlas as it just adds to clutter.
There never are any promises in life only those which you make to yourself. People from your maps will cross over the boundaries for no obvious reasons.
Every year, I thank all those who entered my life, those who remained with me and still continue to be in my life. I offer heartfelt prayers for those who have gone forever.
Those with whom my karmic ‘give’, and ‘take’ has been balanced need to go away. I need to understand that excuses, reasons or problems that may arise in such relationships are not personal.
So for those who may not have left, but are no more on my atlas, I send all the blessings for teaching me an important lesson.
That geography which has become history is not sometimes needed.